I do long for the planes of her faces. They are so diagonal. And her skin is bronze and shiny. That place called the ‘philtrum’ has deep slanting grooves that contradict the gentle bow of their upper lips. The length of their shins and thighs seem to contradict the idea that we are primates.

And you…I would give you cat stokes. I would like to make love to you like we did. To make love to you…we made love fully dressed and zipperless.. acts of loving intensity, laughter, and subtle smiles or huge vunreable grins. To make love in this way is such a sensitive gift. I would give you cat strokes. I would make love to you.

And we would have tiny fights and little angers. And that is ok. Our eyes would drift, but if our lovemaking and cat stokes were deep enough, we would trust each other, and our roving eyes would be a happiness.

I hope you pull my hair as you did. And that you disagree with my opinions as you did.

Only please I have one heart-request. If you betray me with your emotions, do it gently. If these feelings are not mutual, it is ok. It is ok. Let me know gently. Because I wish you only peace and thriving vitality.

two dots

Two dots. I reason that humans are able to perceive time because we are able to remember difference. That essentially, difference is dependent on memory to even be noticed. “When it was different,” as a means of cogitating the universe. But if one looks at these two dots . . one is able to perceive and remember difference without the aid of memory at all. The two dots are. Memory learning is needed for seeing and perceiving the difference between words and letters…but not for noticing these two dots : thence is a hole in my original idea.

Questions for the initiates

Questions for the initiates

Q: Turn into a stone.

A: I am already a stone!

A: (Picks up a stone.)


Q: When you don’t see something what is it that you don’t see?

A: (Points to mirror.)


Q: What does the future have in store for you?

A: (Throws stone through an open, or closed, window.)


Q: Where are you going?

A: I already have.

A: (Throws a stone.)


Q: Why do you prefer one thing over another?

A: I don’t. (Enters cold shower.)

A: Fuck you! (Hits master.)

A: Because.


Q: What is the difference between knowledge and memory?

A: (Hits master.) That pain is knowledge. My slap is a memory.


Q: (Shows student a live frog and a coffee)

“Make these two the same.”

A: (Places one hand on the frog and the other on the coffee.)


Q: Tell me what Rei is doing at the moment.

A: I can’t.

Q: Why?

A: Because Rei is already doing something else.

Q: Ok. Tell me what Rei will do in five minutes.

A: I can’t.

Q: Why?

A: Because stone, river, lizard, computer, wind, phone, cloud, storm, text, food, lust, …[goes on until master gives the ok to stop].


Q: Why is existing so painful?

A: (Hits master.) Now you know.


Q: I drank too much coffee. (Or some other past action.)

How can I undo the past?

A: You didn’t drink too much coffee.

Q: Liar.

A: You liar!

I wish I could be more pure. More transparent. As if being pure were an effort; if it were then even a tenth of the effort I use to exercise my muscles could be diverted and made into a flexible purity that would give smiles to those who me well. My existence is instead a lonely flame, tethered to and a part of, a body consuming energy…for what? Zest has become a foreign country. Travel arrangements are lengthy and visas expensive. When did zest become so inaccessible? Zest is like a color unseen for so long the hue is barely remembered; a geometry rendered sterile. Like all the other un-seen, un-heard, un-touchable-un-tastable-un-smellable experiences of life, zest is an elusive conjugation of the senses and sense.

Everything is different from Everything Else

2016-08-29-05-04-33a) In the empirical sense, Everything is different from Everything Else. Either in property or position or massive accumulation of differences.

b) Most entities as we conceive of them differ massively because of their apartness in time, space, and physical property.

c) The only consistencies here are the two abstracted entities of “existence” and “difference”. Continue reading “Everything is different from Everything Else”

why beautiful?

What is it we want when we desire? What aspire? Apotheosis?

Finding any human “beautiful” is quite disturbing. I am especially disturbed when I see a stranger or a coworker and find them beautiful despite no knowledge of their internal lives, loves, and how they affect and effect their environment and co-humans. Another facet of my appreciation of these humans is that they are (not always) usually the very inadequate adjective “feminine”. Biologic imperatives aside, as thinking being, how is that my sense of beauty is skewed this way? If beauty lies in certain proportions of facial and body features, why should something as constructed, ethereal, flexible, and earthy as “gender” affect my preferences? Instinctually I distrust all category, yet those same instincts shade my preferences to certain and not all hues.

Intellectually, I can understand a preference for healthy scapes. A healthy looking desert or mountain always looks more beautiful to me than one that appears sickly or polluted. But it is the case that the humans I find most beautiful are not always the most healthy. If the appearance of health alone were a judgement-hinge, then why go further? But I do go further. Certain people are beautiful to me, more than other people. There is a sense that knowing someone well is to further appreciate their beauty, so I accept that. That still does not explain why so and so X at my workplace is more beautiful than so and so Y despite their similarities. Nor does it explain the same phenomenon when I see people on the train home.

I can say with confidence that all the friends I know well are extremely beautiful to me equally but in their own ways. And I love them all equally but in different ways. This is no cause for alarm. But why should a less deep appreciation for total strangers beauty be unequally divided among age, “gender appearance,” and other properties?

The shallow appreciation is unremarkable as I don’t know these people at all; I stress the unequal division of this appreciation. Another puzzling fact is that sometimes the appeal of a total stranger seems to be quite deep. Am I as prejudiced as all that? (Yes.)